i am starting to feel so exhausted right now~not just tired but the same bone deep weariness i had when i was first diagnosed with m.e... and cold, really cold...

right now i am sitting on the sofa, in my pyjamas, wrapped in my brown wool poncho and a sarong i have always used as a scarf~its size means it is big and comforting~i have a cup of 'tranquility' tea on my little side table.

~***~

i am really feeling this period between samhuinn and the coming solstice
things are getting darker and darker
the oak has finally lost almost all its leaves~i can now sit and look at it and see the birds sitting in the branches~a few weeks ago they would still be vanishing into the green.

i feel dark in the way the world is heading towards its darkest before the returning light
i am slowing as the world slows to its brief stop at the solstice~but i am enjoying the slowness and dark and not feeling caught up in the usual pre-christmas rush. living in a small village that is some miles distant from its nearest surrounding villages we are buffered against the consumerism found in towns and cities so a serenity surrounds me like a warm ,wool blanket...

this darkness is not one to be afraid of, its one to be embraced and explored~like with the inner journeys we may make to meet with our ancestors and deities

~calling goosebreeder!~

please contact me via my profile re the 'survival kit bag'!

xoxoxo

~a few days~

i have an essay due in on friday but have been so tired today i brought all of my books and laptop onto the sofa to work~i managed about an hour and have just given up.

i didn't sleep well last night and spent my waking hours listening to my ipod and looking at the shadow of the oak out of my bedroom window and a solitary star work its way across the sky.

yesterday i had my yearly eye test and all is well,except for yet again i need slightly stronger glasses~choosing new glasses is hard, all those exciting colors! i ended up choosing a rather funky red and black pair, but stuck with the usual slightly old fashioned NHS style frames.
i also just uploaded the picture swampy took of my eyes after my eye screening last week...

will you look at the size of my pupils...thank goodness its only once a year!


the lovely purple pixie asked for a picture of my hideously expensive but oh-so gorgeous green boots...i could have posted the picture i took when they were new, just over a year ago.

however i decided a new photo was needed of them

a photo showing the life they have had with me

the months of tramping around this and the surrounding villages of the new forest travelling across the atlantic with me and tramping the freezing cold streets of new york
exploring Avebury with a group of wonderful friends
sitting for many hours beside my nans hospital bed and her funeral the following week...
there have not been many days this past year when i have not worn them for a part of each day and i think the love and wear reflects in them quite nicely...

two days ago my new 'toy' arrived~the instrument i had promised myself to learn for a long time...

it was a toss up between my longed for bodhran and the didje~the didje from antic earthworks won but as i have a birthday not too many months away i guess the bodhran can be a gift for then!

its 147cm long and made of sycamore and sounds wonderful!

its almost time to stop now, i have been thinking of having a lay down on my bed but if i did i dont think i would see much more of today! instead i am thinking of watching 'pans labyrinth' and having an early night with a cup of Dr Stuarts valarian plus tea

*wherever you are i hope you are well and happy*

~Ahem!~

Ahem! Cough! The Pixie puts her bossy head on...My dear sweet pea.....did you not accept the Honest Blogger Award? Do you need to re read the statement? You are not to worry about spilling out. You do not need to feel guilty or sorry that you blogged about this. You ARE among friends and we care very deeply for you. Your pain is our pain and it is shared between us, our shoulders are wide enough to carry it...honest! And if we can lighten your pain just a little then it's all worth while.
Remember, you are loved, in all your aspects.

well now...Solsticedreamer stares down at her green booted feet feeling a bit teary...

a lesson for all of us honest bloggers here...

we must not forget why we have all been awarded the Honest Blogger Award...and i obviously did forget...

* Speak our truth from the heart and tell it like it is.

* Share openly and honestly our true feelings without fear of judgement, Blame or shame.

* We write to share our achievements so others can also share our joy.

* We write about our bad times too, knowing that the love and support of others is around us and perhaps heal another’s pain in the process..

*We are human beings will real feelings and emotions and REFUSE to hide behind a mask.

* We dare to be different

* We are Free Spirits

* We realsie that by spilling out, we lighten our load.

* We acknowledge our strengths and weaknesses and don't see them in terms of success or failure.

* We laugh together and cry together

* We are all following our own journey in our own unique way

maybe coming from a family who have always held in thoughts and emotions have held me back in being open about things?

maybe in this time between samhuinn and the solstice is the time to let go of all the old hindrances of my upbringing and finally move forward to being the true free spirit that is lurking inside?
to accept thats its okay to lighten my load and not hide behind a mask any longer and that at this time i can share with others what is going on with me and my body right now...

thank you pixie for putting me right {hugs}

~thanks~

sending out thoughts of thanks to all of you sending me good wishes at this time.

i have to say i woke up feeling cross with myself this morning for allowing it all to overwhelm me and so intrude into my blogging~a place that i always vowed would never become a place to moan and whine about my health~people have enough problems without coming here to have my moaning.

so i will try to keep it out of my blogging.

but i did think about it in the night and thought of my/our blogging friends who are ill and whose conditions sometimes cause them to bring into the blogosphere.
so, and i hope they don't mind, can we spread out some healing thoughts to those who are struggling right now?

i did wonder in the night if it was selfish to ask for some gentle, healing thoughts, not for the world but for individuals?

i have to say the recent post from the wonderful amber moggie struck a chord with me...her words reflect, even though the illness is different, words and thoughts that go through my head.

but that's quite enough of that.

we are coming out of the other side of two days of really wild weather~heavy rain and near gale force winds. sitting in 'pretty pagan' helping swampy...well actually providing moral support, in the building of the interior that will enable us to go camping, the wind roared around us and i could sit and watch the leaves whirl up into the air showing the shape of the gusts of wind, the trees were bending wildly and i was wondering whether any would actually fall. a few times the gusts would increase, we could feel it gathering strength and actually blow under the camper-almost raising her from the ground.
last night it began to settle and today i woke to total stillness and blue skies-the birds are going about their business without the fear of being blown off course. i am sitting here in the pool of sunlight that is coming though the window and i can hear the birds singing.

how is the weather where you are today?

~so it begins~

i am now on the gynecological conveyor belt

i managed to bring my hospital appointment with the gynecologist forward by two weeks and so yesterday afternoon saw me waiting...and waiting...at our local hospital.

i finally found out how large my fibroid is, 6 x 7cm so no wonder i have been having so much trouble.

in discussion with the gynecologist it was agreed that because of the size i need to be knocked out and have it investigated by camera to see exactly whats what~whether it is fully in the womb, partly in the wall of the womb, whatever.
he said the option of going in a shaving layers of it away is not an option because of its size and his repeated questioning of whether i wanted children~the answer is no~is maybe directing his plan of my having surgery.

i am now hoping that my conveyor belt will move quickly.i am having so much trouble now~laying to sleep is uncomfortable because i think gravity must be at work and pulling fluffy down, walking is getting uncomfortable because i have this dragging feeling with each step, the dragging back pain is getting more frequent and i now have pain and nausea when i eat and drink and even sitting and the cough i still have is giving me pain.

its also just making me miserable and tearful~i can cope with my m.e and diabetes but this is something altogether different~a constant dragging pain that is taking away my smile and pulling me down with it.

~can you hear me rattle?~

man alive!

i had a doctors appointment today, originally just to discuss my seemingly never ending cough/sore throat (all clear, just taking ages to go) and ask a few questions about my present passenger, fluffy.
i had the scan, was told what it was and since then have been left in limbo until my gyne appointment at the end of this month. so of course i had some questions re all my symptoms. turns out the hospital had not sent the results to my doctor and he didn't even know i have my rather large passenger!

still that's by the by~i shall live with my ever increasing symptoms...add to the symptoms of my m.e constant moontime pain/cramps without the moontime, increasing nausea, especially when laying down, horrendous dragging pain in my lower back, pain when eating..blah blah blah. apparently its the size affecting everything else within its range.
i am starting to think fluffy needs to be re-named something less fluff like

unfortunately, before i had a chance to make a break for it the topic of my diabetes and my last blood tests popped up like an unwelcome visitor~the result being i have been put on another diabetes medication to take alongside my present dose and statins for high cholesterol.

the thing is i don't eat badly, i love my vegetables and good healthy food. my doctor reassured me that it was part of my diabetes and also to remember my dad had a massive heart attack when just in his mid-fifties...it seems its just part of me.

so...keep your ears open, you may well hear me come rattling along!

the good thing is i am determined to drag myself out of my miserable, health inspired(or rather lack of health!) funk...its doing me no good at all.
i am hoping my new instrument will arrive today, i have caught up with my studies and had an okay pass grade for my first piece of work on Homer...i will accept it as okay, as opposed to the A grades i was getting on my last course, as i was so ill when i wrote it.

i have also started to re-read 'the chrysalids' by john wyndham~something reminded me of the sealanders rescue at the end of the book and i tried, poorly, to explain to swmapy the story~the result being i dug out my 1970 penguin copy and have been glued to it.

and now its time for a fresh cup of lapsang souchong (or as swampy refers to it a cup of bonfire)...hope you are all having a good day wherever you may be



*todays soundtrack~pagan folk*

~remembrance~

today we remember all of those fallen in war

today i think of

~my great granddad johney gaul
born in Wales to parents from Kilmacow in Kilkenny, Southern Ireland and one of ten children.
he died of wounds in Flanders on 17th September 1918 age 27.

the words that have been passed down the family recounts johney as a little bit of a loveable scoundrel~he had been in the navy and had jumped ship in portsmouth where he met great gran nellie-maud betteridge. he settled in portsmouth where he would tour the pubs, playing his accordian and singing until being dragged out by nellie.
he had been injured fighting on the somme in 1916, being sent to Netley Military hospital to recover. his return to france was in 1917 where, being seen off by nellies mother Elizabeth and sister Liz at portsmouth, he sat on a pile of crates and sung 'when i leave this world behind'~this was the last time he was seen by them.

'I’ll leave the sunshine to the flowers,
I’ll leave the springtime to the trees;
And to the old folks I’ll leave the mem’ries
Of a baby upon their knees.
I’ll leave the nighttime to the dreamers,
I’ll leave the songbirds to the blind;
I’ll leave the moon above
To those in love
When I leave the world behind,
When I leave the world behind'


~my great, great uncle john betteridge.

he went to france as part of the British Expiditionary Force in 1916 age 19 and he died on 21st October 1918 in a prisoner of war camp of influenza aged 21.

~things to do~

i never thought a post would generate so much interest and i love it that you all feel the same about faceache~it reinforces the notion that i am not some socially inept person for my dislike of facebook and all that it is.

although i do still have my account i am so tempted to wipe it out completely~

what if...

what if i do delete my account...

would i miss the contact with my friends?

i would...

and so it stays but i feel so wonderfully liberated from it, just from the small act of deleting applications and refusing more.

there is so much more in my life right now...

my studies for my masters in history/classics continues, although because of my recent flu bug and the disruption of having a new kitchen fitted means i am a little behind. as of tomorrow the kitchen will be finished~we have the tiler in today and so i find myself shut up in the bedroom at the far end of the house with the sun shining through the window taking the chill out of the air.



i have knitting projects on the go and i have finally launched into the joy of crochet!

i have been able to knit since my mum taught me when i was about 6 years old but have never been able to crochet, despite many attempts. mum could crochet but for some reason was unable to teach me!
a few years ago i bought a book which told me it was so easy to learn...hmmmmm i don't think so.
i think the years of knitting was so ingrained in me i had 'crochet block'~in frustration my hooks went into my knitting bag never to see the light of day until this week.
my neighbour kindly knitted me a gorgeous brown poncho after i had admired her own, plus a matching hat and a 'granny' blanket for when we have pretty pagan camping ready.
so at the weekend out came one of my hooks, a ball of wool and my book...i produced the most dreadful little piece of work in the world...ever. so when pauline popped in the other day i showed her my awful work and i had an instant masterclass.
my word~it is easy!
at the moment i am just working away at what will be a scarf~a bit wonky at the start but a scarf just the same and one i will be proud of, it is a combination of single, double and triple in blocks of three rows, as repetitive practice.

i have to say i am so cack-handed! my tension is all over the shop and i am working as if i am knitting~i think it will take me some time to find it effortless but i am really enjoying it.
it feels a bit more 'portable' than knitting if that makes sense~just yarn and a hook.
nice and simple.

i have been re-reading marion zimmer bradleys 'avalon' books.

i first read 'the mists of avalon' in 1984 (oh my i feel old!) when i started college and it took my breath away. then when they came out the prequels~'the forest house' and the three part 'lady of avalon'.
i have read them, as i do with 'the lord of the rings' and manda scotts 'boudica' books, every few years and i have just started again 'the mists of avalon'.
however there are a few that i have not read, so i imagine it will be soon time to visit my local bookshop!

i have also finally decided to do something i have wanted to do for many years but have never done anything about it~i was prompted into it by my friend carp (obviously not his real name!)~someone i have known for a while now and first met him at avebury earlier this year.
anyhoo~after some e-mails back and forth i took the plunge and decided the time was right to learn a new instrument...

watch this space...


*todays soundtrack~a night out with the dubliners*

~facebook~schmacebook~

i had an epiphany of sorts the other day

the result being that i shut down all kinds of things on my facebook~or as my friend, from here-on known as woody-pea, calls faceache. an appropriate re-naming.

although its good for keeping in touch with my friends and family across the country, across the world~there are some aspects of it that are so very wasteful and even brain-numbing if you allow it.

and i didn't want to allow it that privilege.

all these applications that at first seem like fun turn into a right royal pain in the behind~and so wasteful of precious time.

i felt amazingly liberated as i clicked all those little delete buttons and freed my mind from the idea i have to check this, that or the other.

let me tell you facebook obsessed~the world does not come crashing down around your ears if a computer generated field is not ploughed, millions do not die of hunger if a computer generated meal is not served up in a computer generated cafe!

its not real...honest.

look up from your computer screen and look out of the window~even better go outside and feel the chill in the air, the wind on your face~stand in front of your bookcase and find a book you loved so much you keep images of its words in your mind, take that book down and sit and become absorbed again with the wonder of the feel of a book in your hand~take up your pen, paintbrush or needles and create something real, something you can hold, something tangible.

i know it can be argued that i waste time blogging.
i beg to differ and i think you bloggers out there will agree with me~

blogging is so very different~when i blog i feel i am reaching out to distant friends who know and understand of the things i write~if they don't know then something in their lives will resound with them and they can understand.
there is something more real about blogging~its journalling that reaches out to others~to those who are like-minded~for have you noticed that people gravitate to blogs that are important to them~look at mine and you will see the majority of blogs i return to time and again are distant reflections of my own spirituality.

i love the blogging community i am part of~a web that has spread world wide, from my first tentative words to the blogger i am today.
even better it does not offer things to keep me here longer than it takes for me to write a post and go visit others blogs. it offers no ever-increasing, intrusive applications that repeatedly ask for your e-mail details to allow you more and more applications~a sneaking, insidious entity, collecting and storing information?

i think so

~& it lingers~

it was a wonderful day here in the new forest
after a night and day of rain and high winds we had a day of pale blue skies and a wonderful chill in the air...now the clouds are rolling in and i can hear the first drops of rain falling beyond my open window.

depsite the wind the oak is still hanging onto its leaves, although we have a wonderful pile blown onto our front garden, full of shades of red, gold and brown, of all shapes and sizes~i had a thought in the dark of night to gather a pile of my own, thread them as a garland and dry...for what purpose did this thought come to me i wonder?

my cough and cold is lingering, today, i think is day 13 and i am sitting here huddled under my brown wool poncho, a warm scarf of faded, green, ever-so thin, wool wrapped around my neck...and my Birkenstocks which i love as much as my gorgeous green boots...

i have been miserable for days now, miserable at being ill~ became more miserable when my moontime threw itself at me with pain and sickness.
i am not one of those women who embrace their moontime, to me it is nothing but pain and misery and i long for the crone to approach.

that is easing now and i am left with my 'cold'...for is it my cold or just one of my symptoms of m.e being particularly nasty at this time? these days i find it hard to differentiate between my m.e and 'other' illness.

no i think it was/is a run of the mill cold that is lingering because i had used up my resources when i was away. to me this is how it works~i have limited resourses and it takes very little to use them and then force myself to 'run on empty', pushing and pushing until something gives way and i develop some other viral infection.

i am still feeling miserable.
i am sorry, i am sure you did not come here to read of misery...but then in the tradition of an honest blogger we can all feel free to have a little moan now and then!

i have also been feeling spiritually adrift, as happens to many of us on our paths sometimes do, the things that are important seem to be taken over by the more mundane~everyday 'normal' life pushes through our boundaries and we start to drift.

but then as always i am given little reminders that pull me back on my path...i look at the last oracle card i drew sitting beside my bed~its time to draw another~my alters, both inside and out, need some care, need a change to reflect the new year facing me...its time to adopt a new routine that allows for all that is in my life and time to stop being wasteful of precious time.