~sheer terror II & honest blogger alert~

well now, the posts of mel and juliana at shakti mama has got me to thinking.

i never really put myself out here~i put up random shots of myself, usually involving my green boots or birkenstocks but never anything else.

of course it is because i have low self esteem and every photo taken makes me look and therefore feel about a gazillion stone in weight,even smiling makes it even worse in my eyes.

i can feel good about myself and then catch my reflection in a window or mirror and the good feelings crash around me and i withdraw.
i always, well nearly always, compare myself to others~why can i not embrace difference?!

but the good thing is i feel good about myself more than not~just so long as i don't catch the dreaded reflection!
i even remember some nice comments made to me~a chap called alex once told me he thought my eyes were amazing~to me they are just my eyes but it was nice of him.

i suppose like many of us my insecurities grew from thoughtless comments when i was much younger~comments about my name or how pale i was or that i had a weird smile~those comments just seem to travel with us don't they?
i guess the people who made these comments would forever be unaware of how how hurtful they had been.

well out came the camera and, like mel, i took many and slowly worked my way through to find the one or two i was happy with~even now i don't think they reflect the real me~they are posed self-portraits~

now can i tell you why i don't like these photos?
my hair is fuzzy because i washed it yesterday and it always takes a day or two to get back to normal!
i am half frowning at the effort its taken to get a photo and pink because its a mighty warm day today
i am wearing a ratty dull top~yuk and look grumpy~well not grumpy just solemn

now there is a photo i like and i admit i like it...

this is a self portrait atop the Rockefeller center, New York last year and is more 'me' than the other two i have here~the only difference is my hair is longer and the natural red has been bleached by our hot summer sun.

~this is me~