over the last few months i have not been...right

not myself

not on the outside

nor even just below the surface

but deep inside of me

sometimes i feel as if i am back to being a teenager, being told what to do, it feels like me is being slowly stripped away until there is nothing left but a husk of me, a husk that obeys and keeps quiet to keep peace

i have slowly become more tearful~sometimes for no reason other than because i feel so awfully, dreadfully fed up~i sit here now holding back the tears

there are times when i can no longer force myself to smile, even if its a pretend smile, i just want to sit and not be
or the easier thing of going to bed to sleep so everything goes away and i can lose myself in dreams-bed time is a relief of laying in the dark with my radio

some mornings i wish i could just continue sleeping so i didnt have to think

its hard seeing people, although luckily i dont see many, and having to slip into my happy personality~i just want to be

i no longer feel i have the energy to spare on being the pretend me